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i almost forgot to share this rough diamond of precious advice with you before repose: do you find yourself unnecessarily stressed, worried, unnaturally sweaty, fearful, anxious and uncertain as to what to do when all you really want is to look cool? do you refrain from shaking other’s hands upon greeting, and once again upon saying adieu, due to those unbearably perspiring palms? i used to be a nervous wreck all the time. i was afraid of school, trains, sleep, sudden death, serial killers, lightning, trying to keep up with the cool kids whilst being still a little wussy dork who hadn’t a single shot to make it to the upper echelons of society, as well as myriad other things. but i’ll tell you what changed all that. it took me a very long time to ever hold hands or kiss at the pictures with a girl, and as time went by with no better end in sight, i felt doomed. ‘what in the world am i going to do? everyone’s laughing at me and i can’t stand myself!’ i’d say that over and over until a young woman came into my life with a very severe dependence upon alcohol and a gleam of attraction in her eye. she told me these words i shan’t forget: ‘so go ahead and take those pants off. i need to get laid.’ that piece of infinite wisdom allowed me to grow confidently into a man, a man with incessant ulterior motives, but a man none the less. and i stopped being afraid of life because i knew someone enjoyed sleeping with me. i used to get bullied and picked-on and insulted, so on the rare times it happens in adulthood i say ‘hey, dude. you need to get those damn pants off.’ it’s the greatest thing ever to say to the one bozo jock in the sports bar so much drunker than the rest that he’ll approach the one person who doesn’t look very nice at all to start something. people have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves when you can keep it so cool it’s creepy whilst turning the predator/prey model on it’s head. do you think his girlfriend is going to let him hit that in a stupor after she gets done vomiting in the alley with 4 of her friends to find he’s walked away from the creepy white dude? no. and i wouldn’t either. i’d make her clean it up. just take your pants off man.